Category Archives: IVF
from our family to yours!
the moment you realize your 20 week old baby is cooler than you’ll ever be.
finn was made with a whole lot of love, a whole lot of science, and with a whole lot of this woman.
I was told about susan, an acupuncturist and midwife, while we were still trying to conceive naturally. I began going to her weekly for acupuncture, hoping that a little bit of eastern medicine would help our cause.
I remember one of my first appointments with her- laying in a dimly lit room, chimes playing on the cd player, my body a pin cushion with intricately placed needles all over; and, unable to move, tears silently pouring from my eyes and rolling down the sides of my face onto the pillow underneath my head. that deep ache, that sadness and complete fear. I still remember it. I can channel it and feel it in my core.
over the last three years, susan became one of my biggest supporters and advocates. as if it was destiny, she also worked as a midwife at kaiser, our health insurance provider. and as we fell deeper into the world of infertility, I now had her for both eastern and western medicine support. from my ectopic, 4 IUIs, and then referring me to her close colleague friend for IVF- susan was there for me on all sides. she became my liaison between the medicinal and emotional/spiritual world of infertility.
when I became pregnant, I joked that she would have to use her acupuncture to induce me to give birth on a tuesday- as tuesday is the only day she delivers babies at the hospital.
finn was born tuesday, july 31st. and while I was considered a high risk labor because of preeclampsia, the OB on call gave permission for susan to be the one to help me deliver under their supervision. after 3 hours of pushing, susan was the one who broke the news that I would have to have a c-section. she consoled and comforted us, told me how proud she was of me. and she was the one who appeared in the OR in full scrubs, moments after finn was born to meet him.
today they were reunited once again. susan, my fertility fairy godmother, and the baby she so passionately helped me fight for literally every step of the way.
woah, woah, woah. I was beginning to moderately accept your first tooth. I never said it was okay for a second one to pop up the next day!
19 weeks old, and you cut your first tooth! aside from being the most deliciously drooly and finger munching baby, we wouldn’t have suspected anything otherwise.
oh goodness, I struggle with these milestones. any step forward is filled with elation but also grief. it pangs my heart how fast things change. you will never have an empty gummy smile ever again.
I’ve realized that these moments are so hard for me because of the fear of experiencing last firsts. I can’t pack away your newborn clothes because deep down I’m scared I’ll never have another newborn to put them in. even though there are two frozen embryos still waiting for us, navigating infertility has instilled in me the fact that nothing is a guarantee. I don’t know if I’ll ever be pregnant again. I don’t know if I’ll have another baby, or give you a brother or sister. and I don’t know if I’ll ever have another toothless, drooling grin smiling up at me.
so while I burst with joy to see you growing and thriving- every milestone is tinged with fear that I’m experiencing a first moment for the very last time.
I selfishly want to hold onto who you are in every stage of your life. it’s a desire that is literally impossible to achieve. so instead, I choose to soak in every second, and grasp to every detail. I am forever present in your existence, my finn. I will always let you be, but I will never let you go.
